The Pain of Living
by savedprincess85
Summary: Hermione doesn't want to feel anything. She holds everything in and pushes everyone away. Trigger warning for depression and an eating disorder.
1. Chapter 1

**This is something that I sat down and wrote because it was in my head. It doesn't fit into my other story, so I'm making a new story. I'm not sure how long this will be or what the outcome will be yet. There are triggers in this story-extreme depression and an eating disorder. So don't read if these are triggers for you. I'm not even sure there will be an HEA at this point. This is just a plot bunny that wouldn't go away. I've been depressed the last few days and this is what comes of my depression evidently. No, I don't have an eating disorder and no I'm not nearly as depressed as Hermione is in this story. There is no need to worry. Please read and review and let me know what you think.**

Depression was something I had to handle alone. It was the most painful reminder that I am human, whether I have magic or not, I'm still human. I sunk into the deepest bowels of depression. I couldn't eat. All I wanted to do was sleep.

I was appreciative of the money I had gotten from the Ministry because I was able to buy a house outright. I didn't feel like I deserved the money, but still I was appreciative. It allowed me to pay for everything months in advance, so I didn't have to think about anything else but myself.

Harry and Ron came to check on me daily at first. I would sit in my bed while they tried to talk to me. I didn't have the attention span to listen. After seeing the horrors of war in the Final Battle at Hogwarts and the clean up afterward, I went to Australia to see if I could reverse the memory charm I had put on my parents. But I couldn't find them. I figured out that I had basically led the Death Eaters to my parents when I had done the memory charm on them. I wasn't as careful leaving as I thought I was and they found them. And killed them. The Death Eaters had created a stasis charm on my house for me to find my parents, murdered and raped, and a note on the wall saying I was next.

I shut myself off to feeling anything after that. I worked for a few days to bury my parents and sell their house, but then the depression struck, and I couldn't get out of it. I was sinking deeper and deeper into it. That was ten months ago.

As much as I wanted to sleep, I had nightmares that shook me awake and left me screaming and sobbing in my pillows. The only time I left the house was when I ran out of food and could no longer go without food. If I was lucky, I could go a few days without food before going to the grocer.

Looking in my refrigerator and cabinets for the third day in a row, my stomach was rumbling. I knew I would have to go to the grocer. I decided to go to the apothecary as well to get a few doses of dreamless sleep. The last few nights had been full of worse than normal dreams. I needed at least one good night of sleep or I would be sick on top of depressed. I hated being sick.

Deciding to go to the apothecary that day changed my life.

I just didn't know it yet.

I took a shower and got dressed for the first time in five days. I'm sure I smelled, but I didn't care. Harry and Ron barely showed up twice a month now. They had given up on me. It was the only thing that made me feel anything, when I had looked at my calendar and realized that for the last three months I had been more and more alone. It didn't make me happy. It made me angry. I never gave up on them, why the fuck were they giving up on me?

I would wash my sheets and towels when I got home, maybe do some light house cleaning. Maybe a tiny light would shine in my world if I cleaned a little. Maybe not.

I walked out my backdoor and apparated to the Leaky Cauldron. I had never opened a floo connection to my house, mostly because I didn't want to deal with the hassle of ministry paperwork.

No one noticed me. I looked so different from how I used to look. I had grown tired of my hair after waking night after night drenched in sweat from nightmares, that I had cut it into a pixie cut. With it being so short, it was wavy and easy to deal with. No one noticed me without my halo of hair around me. With my hoodie over my head, I blended into obscurity.

I walked quickly to the back and opened the passage to Diagon Alley. It wasn't busy. I was glad because I was less likely to run into someone I knew. Arriving at the apothecary, I picked up a basket and went to the pre-made potion section. I remembered a time years ago when I would rather have made my own potions than trust a pre-made potion, but I had not attention span to give to brewing anything.

I picked out three dreamless sleep drafts, two calming drafts for the days when I had anxiety attacks and took them to the front of the store. I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and ran into a wall of grey and fell back and would have landed on my arse, but a hand grabbed my waist and kept me upright. I looked up into grey eyes. I had run into none other than Draco Malfoy.

"Excuse me, I wasn't watching where I was going," I said and moved out of his grasp. My voice sounded like crushed gravel from lack of use.

"Granger? Is that you?" Malfoy asked in a shocked voice.

I walked around him and picked up my basket that I had dropped when I ran into him. I chose not to respond. The less I spoke the better.

Malfoy grabbed my right forearm and stopped me from moving forward. "It is you. Potter has been worried sick over you for months, and I didn't believe him. But he was right. You look like shit. Are you even eating, Granger?"

"Let go Malfoy. Why are you talking to Harry about me?" I asked shaking my arm to get him to let me go. He just held me and looked me over. His eyes taking in my face, my emaciated form, my depression. When his eyes met mine again, I could feel him touching my mind with his, and I didn't care to stop him. I didn't have the strength to keep a skilled Legilimence out of my head and I knew that Malfoy was very skilled in mind magic. Let him see my pain, let him tell Harry that I'm way more screwed up than anyone thought. After a moment, he had tears in his eyes and had stopped going through my mind. He grabbed me and held me in a bone crushing hug. I stood there stiff and unsure of how to react. This was not the Draco Malfoy I knew in school who called me Mudblood. That Draco Malfoy would never have touched me much less entered my mind. I was too dirty for him.

"Let go Malfoy," I said again and pushed against his chest with the palm of my hand.

"You have been alone for too long, Granger. Your pain is not what defines you. You are the brightest witch of the age and yet you live all in your mind. When was the last time you had a conversation with someone?" he asked me.

I tried to pull away from him again. He didn't let me go. I wasn't going to try to have a conversation with him. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to talk to him.

He looked in my basket and saw what I was buying, "I have better potions at my house. Will you come with me to my house and something that will actually help you sleep?"

Fear gripped me. I couldn't walk into the Manor. I started hyperventilating and grabbed the arm that Malfoy was holding, just below his hand. He had unwittingly covered most of the slur that was carved into my arm. My legs buckled, and I would have collapsed if he hadn't used his seeker reflexes and grabbed me under my arms.

"Oh, no Hermione, I don't live at the Manor. I can't. Breathe, in and out, in and out. Breathe. Its ok," he said. He held me to him and led me in breathing, but really it wasn't helping. I kept myself from thinking about the torture. I couldn't handle it without going into a complete panic attack. I grabbed his shirt and started sobbing. I heard him curse, and he must have decided about me going home with him because the next thing I knew, he had picked me up bridal style and walked out of the apothecary. I felt us apparate away.

We landed in a bright room. Malfoy set me down on a couch. I was still sobbing and holding my arm. I was reliving the pain repeatedly. That's all I did now anyway was relive pain in one way or another and try to put a stopper on other painful memories.

"I'm going to get a calming draft. Its in the next room over. I will be right back," he said quietly. I just looked at him. He walked away. I wrapped my arms around my knees and sobbed.

I felt Malfoy touch my shoulder. I looked up and he held the potion to my lips. I opened my mouth and he poured the potion into my mouth. I felt the potion take effect within seconds. I took a deep breathe and let go of my knees.

He sat on the edge of the couch at my feet and took my hand in his hands. He just sat there looking at me. I didn't know what to say to him. I hadn't broken down like that in front of anyone in months. And to show such weakness to Malfoy was writing a free pass for him to call me all sorts of new names.

But when I looked into his face, his eyes confused me. They had tears in them. None had fallen, but they were wet. Full of tears. I looked at him. I really didn't know what to say to him.

"Hermione, shit, there are no words to express how sorry I am for the pain that you are in. Will you stay for lunch? I'm not much of a cook, but we can order anything you want," he said only a little hesitantly.

"Thank you for the calming draught. I should go home," I said pulling my hand out of his. There was no way I would stay here for lunch. I couldn't bare that he now has things to hold over me.

"Why?" he asked.

I looked at him and stood up. Now the calming draught that I buy from the apothecary does not have the effects that Malfoy's draught had on me. When I stood up, my legs couldn't hold my weight and if I hadn't been by the couch I would have immediately fallen but I fell onto the couch instead.

"I should warn you that I brew the calming draught strong. You need to rest for a little while. What would you like to eat for lunch? You can literally ask for anything, from anywhere, and I can get it for you," he said with a smirk.

"So, I'm a prisoner here?" I asked appalled.

"NO! If you are completely against staying here, I can escort you home, but I will have to know where you live and then you won't get rid of me because I will just order something at your house. So, you choose do you want to eat here or at your house?" he asked with a larger smirk.

I huffed, "That's very Slytherin of you, fine, I'll eat here. I'll have sushi," I hadn't had good sushi in a long time. I was sure Malfoy wouldn't order just the sushi down the street, but good sushi.

"Any particular kind?" he asked quirking an eyebrow.

I shook my head, "Nothing too spicy." I sat on the couch with my arms crossed and looked around the room.

"Will you be ok for five minutes while I order?" he asked. I just looked at him quirking my eyebrow back at him. I refused to talk to him. He walked out of the room.

Looking around, I saw that I was in a library of sorts. It was a beautiful room, to be sure. I was so used to the dark and quiet of my house that this room took me by surprise. The windows were floor to ceiling and from the couch I could see a lake. The bookshelves were of dark wood and were also floor to ceiling. Besides the couch I was sitting on, there was a desk in between the two windows. The floor was a lovely light hardwood with a large rug in front of the couch.

If I hadn't been in such a petulant and depressed mood, this room would have made me very happy. But other than inspiring awe in me for the number of books in the room, I felt nothing. I didn't try to stand, although I really wanted to go to a bookcase and see what type of books Malfoy preferred. Curiosity was something I hadn't felt in a very long time. My mouth dropped open with the thought.

Malfoy walked in and looked at me, "what?"

I looked at him, trying to decide if I should ask him about the books or sit silently. He sat down on the other side of the couch. He continued to look at me with sad eyes.

"Books?" I finally mumbled.

"Yes, Hermione, this is my library. Its not all my books, but they are my favorites. The ones I can't live without," he said smiling at me.

"What kind of books?" my curiosity getting the better of me. Books were probably my greatest weakness.

"Well, they are arranged like in a library, by genre then by author's last name. I enjoy texts on alchemy, potions, wand lore, fiction. I even have a section of Muggle authors," he said pointing to the different sections.

I was in awe of his system. It would have been almost exactly the way I had my library arranged if I ever got my books out of the boxes they were stored in.

I looked at him, unsure of what to say. I never knew that he enjoyed reading. And the way he talked about books made me think he enjoys reading the way I used too.

"I have four copies of _Hogwarts: A History_ ," I finally say.

"Which four?" he asks laughing at me.

"5th edition, 7th edition, 10th edition, and of course the current edition," I said smugly.

He stands up and walks to a glass case behind me. I turn to watch him walk. Inside are very old books. Malfoy pulled three books out and walked back to me, handing me the one on top. It's a rare first edition of _Hogwarts: A History,_ followed by the second and third editions as well. I look up at him in shock. I run my hand over the cover of the book. It is lovely. I pick it up and smell it. It has the lovely old book smell that I love.

"This is incredible! I can't believe you have the first three editions. It took me ages to find the 5th and 7th," I say smiling a weak smile. I realize this is the first time I have smiled since before the Final Battle over a year before. It feels strange on my face. I give him the books back, "They are beautiful."

Malfoy returned the books to the case, "I'll be right back, I think the sushi has arrived." He ran off through the same door that he came in by earlier. I tried to stand but found that my legs still did not want to hold me. I was stuck here at least through lunch.

I wondered for a moment how he knew that the sushi had arrived. But decided that it wasn't worth my time. Maybe I should start ordering out. I lived in a Muggle neighborhood. I could get pizza or Chinese delivered easily.

He walked back in a few moments later with three bags of food. He was levitating plates and glasses of water. He set it all down on the floor. "Unless you want me to carry you to the dining room, we will eat on the floor in here, is that fine with you?" he asked me clearly sure that I would be ok with the floor.

"You would eat on the floor? Isn't that beneath you or something?" I ask sliding to the floor and leaning against the couch.

"Well, technically the floor is always beneath me, but yes, I actually eat on the floor in here when I'm in the midst of research," he said.

"What do you research?" I heard myself asking. Why the hell am I asking him questions. I'm supposed to eat and leave. Not converse. I'm only going to give him more ammunition for later.

"I am going to get my mastery in potions starting next year, but I have a lot of research and things I need to do before I start. My seventh year was useless in Potion making. Slughorn barely taught a thing, he was too scared of the Carrows. So, I asked Professor McGonagall if I could have a copy of Snape's 7th year curriculum, and I am slowly working through it. It is very research intense. I'm not sure how he got a class through it in one year," he said opening the bags and pulling different sushi rolls out. "Potter is actually helping me with my research on one of the potions. There is a book that I know the Blacks had at one time, but we have been unable to find it. No one knows where it is and as Potter is now the owner of the whole Black library, minus some books of my mother's we have been combing through the library trying to find it."

"What book are you looking for?" Curiosity got the better of me again.

"I bought two of each non-spicy roll that was on the menu. I have a limited knowledge of sushi and wanted to be safe that I bought something you like," he said handing me a plate, "dig in. I'm looking for the first edition of Evard's _Potions: The Art of Brewing Darkness._ It's in the catalog that is a part of the library, but it isn't there."

I quickly grab chopsticks and pick up a piece of one roll and pop it into my mouth. It tastes delicious. I moan in satisfaction. I hadn't had sushi in such a long time. This was decadence at its best. I choose a piece of each roll and start eating. Malfoy is watching me eat with a smile on his face.

"What?" I ask him not understanding why he is smiling.

"You really like sushi, don't you?"

I nod and swallow, "thank you for the sushi."

"You're welcome. Can I ask you a question?" He waits for me to think and I nod. I feel like he may deserve at least the answer to one question for getting me the best sushi I may have ever had.

"When I was in your mind, I felt your loneliness, your depression, your fear. But you are alone by choice, why?" he asked quietly.

I take a moment to think about it. There isn't an easy answer to the question he is asking.

"I don't know. It's just easier I guess. Harry understands what it is like to lose his parents, but he never knew them, so it is still different. Ron understands loss, but not on the level that he can understand the pain I felt. I was the cause of what happened to my parents. If I wasn't a fucking witch, they would be fine. If I had put the damn wards up correctly, or made sure no one saw me, or whatever was the cause of how the Death Eaters entered the house, they would still be alive. I'm alive, but they are dead. And the pain of living is just too much. So, I live a half-life. One of these days my body will give up on me starving it, and I will die. I feel like if I distance myself from Harry and Ron now, they will hurt less later. No one fucking understands the pain I have to shut off just to keep myself functioning in the minimal way I have been for the last ten months," at some point I had started yelling and crying at him. He just let me yell. I felt the pain all over again. The pain of losing my parents. I had been suppressing it for so long that this one question tore the cover off the hole I had put the pain in. I wanted to scream. It hurt so much.

"It's all my fault. I pushed them away, so I could protect them one last time. I knew that they would eventually stop coming. They would get tired. Did I want them to give up on me? I wanted them to fight longer for me. But I couldn't work through this with them. I am alone in this. And it hurts so fucking bad, Draco. You don't get it. I would rather be tortured by Bellatrix again than feel the pain of losing my parents. And it doesn't go away. Nothing I do makes it go away. I can't sleep because of the nightmares. I can't handle it," I cried into my knees that I had pulled up and wrapped my arms around. I was trying to hold myself together.

At some point, Draco had picked me up and pulled me in between his legs. My legs were in his chest and his forehead was pressed against my forehead with his arms holding me steady. My breathing was shallow, and I was crying but not as hard. He gave me a handkerchief. No one had listened to me for so long without interrupting before. I had yelled and screamed. I probably would have thrown something if I could have walked around.

Eventually I stopped crying. Draco looked me in the eyes and said something that I will never forget, "You should never have had to feel the pain you have felt. Don't give up on living Hermione. Life is worth living, you just need a reason to live again."

"That is a problem since I don't have a reason to live anymore." I said pulling away from him and try to stand up. I'm finished with this conversation. I'm uncomfortable. I've cried more in front of this man that I've cried in front of anyone save Harry. But my legs are still weak. I'm able to pull myself onto the couch but groan when I can't stand all the way up.

"Let's find you a reason," Draco said soothingly.

"No. Aren't you going to call me all sorts of horrible names? You have plenty of new ammunition. Hell, you saw into my mind. You have enough to bury me. Go on then, bury me. Stop playing nice and get on with it," I yell at him. He had moved so he was kneeling next to the couch.

"I'm not going to use anything that I've learned from you to harm you. I want to help you. You are so fucking lost, and you don't want to be found. But I'm glad you are yelling at me. Go ahead, say more of what you feel. I can handle it. But feel something. It's been so long since you have really felt something other than fear and pain. Feel anger. Feel hate, feel love. But feel something Granger."

"Like hell you won't use what you have learned. I know you. You will wait for the opportune moment to crush me like you always wanted too. I'm just the filthy Mudblood that shouldn't have magic. An aberration. I have never belonged. Not in the Muggle world, not in the magical world. I've never fucking belonged. It took a fucking troll for Harry and Ron to be my friends when I was eleven. I can count on one hand the people who are my true friends. I'm alone. I always have been. I always will be. I give you bloody permission to crush me. Go ahead, say your worst."

"No. I'm not the enemy here. I know I was a snot and brat in school, but I'm not that anymore. Especially not to you. I fucking watched my aunt torture you, and you were strong enough to withstand the torture. I would have capitulated and given her what she wanted. But no, you were strong, Hermione. That day, I realized, beyond a shadow of a doubt that Muggleborns are not the enemy. That we are all people who deserve a chance to live our lives. That day, I started to respect you. Hell, even like this, feeling so lost and alone, I still respect you. I can't imagine the pain you have felt," Draco grabbed my face and made me look into his eyes, "Hermione, I will never use anything you say against you. You are safe here to feel whatever you need. Just feel something."

With those words, I let the pain take hold of me and I collapsed into his arms sobbing. I held his shirt tightly in my fists. His arms were tight around me. I could feel my shoulder get wet from his tears. He was running his hand through my short hair. Somehow I knew that he was crying tears of mourning for me. I cried so hard and so long I fell asleep.

A/N: I don't have a clue how many editions there are in the Potter Universe of _Hogwarts: A History_. I just made those editions up. If anyone knows, let me know so I can adjust accordingly.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up with a start. I was laying on a soft bed in a room that was light and feminine in feel. I looked around and found a note next to my wand on the nightstand. I picked up the note and read it:

 _Hermione,_

 _There is an en-suite with all the things you may need to freshen up. Feel free to take as long as you need. Breakfast will be ready at 8 am, but there is no rush, it can wait with a nice stasis charm. I hope you slept well._

 _DM_

Frowning, I took my wand and did the charm that told me the time, it was currently 6:32 am. I stood up and looked around the room. The bed was covered in a lovely purple duvet. The headboard was a light wood with a canopy of a darker purple tulle. The walls were painted a soft grey. All in all, it was a peaceful room. Hermione walked through the open door that led to the en-suite. And what a lovely bathroom it was. Wide and white, the bathtub could double as a small pool, so deep and large it was. With her wand, she turned the water on and immediately smelled a mixture of lavender and chamomile. This must be set up specifically for relaxation.

I stripped and lowered into the bath. My muscles that had long been tense started relaxing. My mind, which had long been dark and pained, was free of thought. I was relaxing for the first time since before going on the run in 7th year. I swam a few laps in the decadent pool. After a while, I grabbed a towel that was on the edge of the pool and wrapped it around myself as I got out. Looking around, I saw that there were clothes laid out on the vanity. I picked up the blue t-shirt that was made of the softest material I had ever felt. There was also a simple bra and underwear set with a pair of jeans. I dressed in the clothes provided and brushed my hair. Sushi mouth was not my favorite way to wake, and I should have brushed my teeth as soon as I woke, but now would do. At least the toothpaste was a normal mint flavor and not some gross fruity flavor that most magical people seem to favor. Ugh…Ron always loved strawberry and rhubarb flavored toothpaste.

Finally finished, I walked back through the room and down the hallway, which led to a set of stairs. The hall was light and airy. If anything, Draco Malfoy's house is nothing like the Manor. It was lovely and peaceful. I investigated the first room and saw a sight that I never thought I would ever see. Malfoy was wearing a black apron and was standing over a stove, cooking. To say I was shocked was an understatement.

"Hello," I called from the doorway. To his credit, he didn't jump, just looked up at me with a soft smile.

"Hello, how did you sleep?"

"I haven't slept for that long in a very long time. It must have been fifteen hours of sleep. I didn't have nightmares either, just slept," I said walking toward him.

"Good, I'm glad. I hope you didn't mind me carrying you upstairs and putting you in the guest room. You were so tired, I didn't want to wake you," he explained.

"No, I was in no state to apparate home. Thank you for providing a room for me to sleep in. How did you know what size clothes I wear? Or do you just have random clothes laying around for female visitors?" I asked because Draco Malfoy piqued my curiosity in a way that no one else had. I sat on the stool that was on the island with Draco cooking on the other side.

"After you fell asleep, I flooed to Potter's house and explained what happened. Ginny told me what size you wear. I bought the clothes and brought them back. I wasn't sure what style you like, so I picked something simple that I had seen you at school. Potter and Ginny are worried about you but glad that you were able to open up a little, by the way. I asked that they give you space to sort yourself then talk to you," Draco said dishing up two plates of food and setting one in front of her on the island.

"Um…well thank you. How much do I owe you?" I asked him incredibly shocked by his kindness, not just in the clothes, but last night as well.

"Why do you think you owe me anything?" Draco asked.

"Because you didn't need to do any of the things that you did for me. You have been so kind. I appreciate the calming draught yesterday and the sushi. Where is my purse? I have some galleons in there. Would five galleons suffice?" I asked looking around for my purse. I wasn't sure where we were in relation to the library.

"No, I will not take any money from you. Your purse is on the shelf in your room," he said as I walked away from him and ran to the room I slept in the night before. I need to pay him back and get home. I'm too curious and talkative around him. I don't need to be around people. It's so much easier when I'm alone. I don't have to worry about putting on a façade of 'everything is ok.' Arriving at my room, I find my purse, go to the bathroom and pick up my dirty clothes and put them in my purse to be washed at home. I run back to the kitchen, but he isn't there.

I look around and see books through a door and assume that is the library. I run in there, but he isn't there. I go back to the kitchen, pull out the galleons and a piece of paper and quill to write a note thanking him for his kindness and hope that the money covers all I owe him. I leave them on the counter by the breakfast plates. The food smells delectable. Should I stay for breakfast? I know I'm being rude, but I can feel my walls collapsing in my mind. I'm on the verge of another panic attack. I dredged up the pain and memories last night and it will take me time to push them back down.

I walk out of the room and try to find a door to the outside. The problem is there are about seven doors in the hallway. I walk toward the end of the hall and hope it's the way out. Draco walks out of a door on the left near the library.

"Where are you going? Don't you want to stay for breakfast?"

"No, thank you for everything. I really need to go," I say heading toward the door.

"Why?" he asks, and I stop. Why? WHY? I scream in my head.

"I need to go," I repeat and start walking again.

"Hermione, why do you need to go? Were you just going to leave without saying goodbye? Really? I thought the great Hermione Granger would have better manners than that, but I guess I was mistaken," he said walking with me to the door, "Accio dreamless draught. Accio calming draft." Six bottles float to him from a room down the hall, "here, these should hold you over for a few days. I can have more made in a few days if you want to meet up and get them," he said handing the bottles to me.

"I have manners. I just need to go. I can't stay here any longer. I need to go," I repeat a little angrily. I know I'm being a hypocrite, but I don't care. I don't take the draughts but run to the end of the hall.

"Hermione, don't leave," he says to me as I get to the door, "You can stay here for as long as you want. Please, I want to help you. You don't need to be alone anymore. I won't stop you if you leave, but I'm asking you to stay." He had his hand on the back of his neck and was looking at the ground when I looked at him.

"Why would you want to help _me?_ I'm nothing to you," I said spitefully. I know I should just walk out the door, but he sounds so damn sad. I somehow made Draco Malfoy sad. I'm so confused that I had to figure out the mystery.

"Because you deserve peace. You deserve to be whole again. And damn I think I can help you. I know that you live in your house alone. That you barely eat anything. That you scream yourself to sleep at night. I know because I have been there. But I found a reason to live again. I got out of my head and decided to be a part of society. And do you know who helped me? This may be the biggest fucking shock of your life, but Potter and Ginny were the people who helped me. I ran into Potter in Diagon Alley, drunk off my ass. And Potter took me to his and Ginny's house. It's a long fucking story, but they helped me. The pain you feel, I may not know the exact pain you feel, but I understand depression. I understand that it makes you feel only one emotion and you stay there. You need to feel angry. You need to feel so fucking mad that you throw things or hell, hex things. I have a room built just for that. You need help. Or Hermione, you. Will. Die. And I will not allow you to hurt Potter and Ginny because you are too damn selfish to see the pain you will leave behind," he said calmly but was walking toward me until he was standing right in front of me. He put his hand over my hand on the doorknob. I just stared at him. He didn't raise his voice to me once, but I could feel the pain and anger in his words. But I could also hear hope.

I don't know what to say. I just look at our hands on the doorknob. I am so confused. I look up at him and hope that he can see the confusion in my eyes.

"Harry helped you?" I finally say.

"Yes, if you stay, I will tell you the whole story. I know its probably blowing your mind right now. Believe me, I get that. It blew my mind as well. I think the reason he helped me is because of you. He couldn't help you and he needed to help someone. He has a hero complex. He hasn't wanted to give up on you, but he didn't know how to help you. I want to help you," he said pulling my hand away from the door and walking me toward the kitchen.

"I don't have a choice, do I?" I ask him. I feel like my choice has been taken away. He already made the decision for me.

"You do. You are free to leave. I'm asking for you to make the right choice," he let go of my hand in the hallway and walked toward the kitchen alone, "If you walk through the door to go home, you are saying that you would rather die than live. But if you stay, we can go get some of your things after breakfast and you can stay here for as long as you like. I will help you. Harry and Ginny will help you. You won't be alone, and you won't be leaving those who love you to grieve for you."

I stand there, in the middle of his opulent hallway. He is giving me a choice. But there is a definite wrong choice. My mind is reeling. I thought that Harry had given up on me. I thought that I needed to die. I didn't want to live anymore yesterday. But that's a lie because I still went to the grocer to get food. I want to live. I just don't know how to anymore. I feel so overwhelmed by the feeling of not knowing how. I hate not knowing how to do something. I walk towards the kitchen slowly. I stand in the doorway, not walking in and said, "I have nothing to live for."

"Then our job is to find a reason for you to live. Right now, a very good reason to stay for this amazing breakfast that I made." He says with a smirk.

I take a breath, "It does smell good." I say taking a step into the kitchen. My stomach growls. He smirks again hearing my stomach.

"Let's eat. Do you want to eat in here or in the library?" he asked me, standing next to the plates.

"Do you mind if we eat in the library? I like your library," I say staring at my feet.

"Sure, you grab the glasses. I gave us each orange juice. Is that ok?"

"Orange juice is fine," I said as I pick up the glasses and follow him to the library.

We sit down on the rug by the couch. I take the chance to look around again. It really is a lovely room. I feel peaceful here. We eat in silence. I don't want to talk. I feel like if I talk now, I will break apart. Draco seems satisfied to let me eat in peace. I eat far more than I should. I feel fuller than I did the night before. If Draco doesn't accomplish anything else, he will put a few stones of weight on me before this is over.

Draco picks up our dishes and carries them all to the kitchen. I stand up and wipe my hands on my jeans. I walk to one of the bookshelves and look at the titles. I pull a book off the shelf and leaf through it. I want to read it. Draco walks back into the room, and I put the book back on the shelf.

"You can read that if you want. Read anything. If I'm using it for research, the book is probably already on my desk or in my room. Do you want to go to your house and get some of your things?"

I nod. He walks to me, and I hold out my arm for him to take. We side along apparate to my living room.

 _A/N: Do you want anything from Draco's perspective or all from Hermione's? I'm not sure where this story is going at all. I'm not sure if this will be more friendship relationship or romantic relationship yet. It's going to take a lot of healing to get there. More of Draco's problems will be revealed though. Harry and Ginny will make an appearance at some point as well. This all just came of me being depressed and having a random idea for Hermione. Please read and review!_


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